Pregnancy Days!!
I am writing this blog as I wanted to
capture the last 8 months of our relationship specially when we came to know
that we are going to be parents, many of the things you do know, but thought to write it down for memories sake.
However, during the initial days of her
passing, I was really very angry at God and wished that if she hadn’t got
pregnant, then maybe things would have been different. She would not have
visited India during the peak of COVID second wave or she could have taken the
vaccine. Vaccines were allowed for pregnant women very late.
But I feel now that I should see the
positive side of things and I am happy that I could experience at least the
pregnancy part with you. It is really difficult to put the feelings into words,
but I definitely would like to try. Yes, I will never get to know, how we would
have been as parents, how you would be like a mother.
I still remember the morning of 16th Nov when
you woke me up from sleep and informed me that you are pregnant. It took me a
few moments to fully grasp what you were saying. But once it sunk in, we were
really happy. We both got very excited and unsure about the news, as we had
almost given up on the thought that we would be able to become parents, without
undergoing serious treatment. We both were taking some medicines as prescribed
by the gynecologist, but it seemed they were not working. So, they had advised
us to go for IVF treatment.
We decided to hold on to the news till we
got a confirmation from the doctor. When the doctor confirmed the news, we both
were so happy and there was a sense of relief. There were the usual pressures
from the society as we were married for 9 years and had no kids. Even though we
were fine with no kids also, as we had each other in our life which was more
than enough. Later in the evening we called up our parents, immediate family
and best friends and broke the news, everyone was so happy. We had even taken
screenshots of the video calls and it was lovely to see everyone smiling so
much.
Then started the monthly visits to the
doctor and scans, which we really used to look forward to, as every bit of
information was new for us. The first time we heard the baby’s heartbeat, that
was such a wonderful sound to our ears. Every tiny update about the baby used
to fill us up with a sense of wonder about the tiny human growing inside your
womb. We downloaded the pregnancy apps and it was fun reading up on the updates
every week. These app compare the baby’s size and weight with fruits/vegetables
which was really funny to imagine.
We men can never really understand the
changes and hardships women have to face during the pregnancy. We feel really
helpless, as most of the heavy lifting of pregnancy has to be borne by women. I
just tried to love you more and be there for you. Buy you food which you felt
like having during those days. Remember how you used to crave for idiyappams
and how we regularly started eating that until you got bored. You didn’t have
much mood swings and morning sickness, so it was easier to manage. Luckily, I
got the opportunity to work from home, so we could be together.
We used to go for regular walks, and I
would walk slowly to match pace with you. It really is a special feeling, when
you get to know that you are becoming a parent, the love between husband and
wife really grows. I got even more concerned about your health, always holding your
hand, when we used to walk. I felt to be with you fulltime and never miss a
moment. We used to visit the hospital during my lunch time in office, I used to
wait outside the flat for you and it was really nice to see you walk slowly
towards the car with a small baby bump initially and which was growing by the
day.
When we went for the first big scan, it was
a really exciting thing, as I could see the baby in the monitor. It just left
us in awe at the developments of the baby, how a life was taking shape.
Finally, after 3 months when we announced the
news to a bigger group of friends, it was a different feeling. Specially 0urSaudi friends and relatives they were so caring, always asking you what you would
like to have and ensuring that you are comfortable during our numerous weekend
outings.
Another milestone was when the baby started
kicking and which I too could feel sometimes. It was a very surreal happy feeling,
which is very difficult to explain. I used to smile whenever she said the baby
is kicking/moving a lot.
We also took some maternity photos, which was
a beautiful memory, which we planned to share after the delivery.
Then came time for her to leave for India,
as we had planned the delivery to be done in India since her parents couldn’t
travel from India. I know we both felt very sad leaving each other, we did
discuss whether we should cancel India plans and continue in Saudi. However, we
thought our parents do need to get involved in the pregnancy and they would
also be waiting to see their grandchild at the earliest. She would also get
better food and care at her home.
Little did I know that things would turn
out like this and I would lose you. But I have these beautiful memories to last
me for a lifetime. Love you my Achukutty.
Maternity shoot photo:
The screenshots, when we informed our family and friends:
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