Three months of missing my wifey!

It’s been 3 months since my wife Achu left me for heavenly abode and it has been a very difficult 3 months. I am just penning my thoughts down on the whole grieving process and the traumatic 3 months. The post is a bit jumbled up but do bear with me. 

The initial few days, I was in so much shock and pain. I just couldn’t accept that I won’t be able to see, hear or touch you again. I really miss the way you used to call me “Eta” or when I used to call you Achukutty you would reply “Enthoo”. Achu my love, I miss your beautiful smile and all the jokes you used to crack. I miss pampering you, our evening walks, where we used to hold hands and walk. You were my walking radio, always chattering away. Really miss talking to her and sharing all the things which happened during the day. Now when you realize that you can’t just pick up the phone and hear her voice, it’s too painful. We always used to hug or hold hands when going to sleep. And I used to tell her hugging a pillow is not the same as hugging you, as the pillow doesn’t hug you back. But now I am left with hugging the pillow and imagining that I am hugging you. The grief comes in waves most of the time, one moment I would be feeling fine, but the next moment would be so difficult that even breathing seems like a task. This pain is a constant companion, but now I can handle myself slightly better. I could literally feel my heart breaking into tiny pieces and I doubt whether my heart will be whole again. It’s like you are the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle which I can’t find any more in this life. I used to think heartbreak is just a word, but now I know it happens for real, when you lose your loved one. Somedays I used to feel, wish I could cut out my heart and keep it aside as the pain used to be unbearable. Somehow, I feel the pain of losing a life partner is very different from losing a parent. You can share anything with your spouse at any time of the day without thinking much. Or maybe when I lost my Mom, I was young and didn’t grasp it fully and now the old wounds have also opened, so the pain is more. Also, the fact that we were expecting our first child together made the matters more difficult to accept. It’s like I sometimes feel that I have lost two persons and not just one. 

So, the 3rd week of July was a difficult week, because this was the week when the delivery was due. I just imagine sometimes, how it would be holding my baby in my hands and looking at Achu with happiness and pride. Wondering whom the baby would look like, whose mannerism would he get, but alas life took a completely different turn. Since we knew the gender of the baby, we had already finalized a name and even a pet name. 

The initial nights I couldn’t sleep properly and got headaches, so I had to take anxiety pills for a week. This at least helped in getting some sleep. The waking hours though were spent crying due to missing her, guilty feelings for not taking good care of her. The guilt and regret during the initial months are very strong and it does come very often. I get so many feelings, that I should have taken her to hospital earlier, or taken her to a better hospital. But the thing we have come to realize is that at that time we did what we thought was the best as per the situation. 

Family is very important during these times and my Sis, Dad, Chithi and Bro-inlaw have been a strong pillar of support. I one thing I would like to tell here, do take all the support you need. It’s ok to be vulnerable and feel down. I would also like to thank my friends and her relatives for being a constant support during these tough times. 

However, there are things which we can’t share with anyone, so I suggest consulting a counsellor would be a good step. I joined a support group which has been a good experience, as we can be very open without any judgements. Hearing and sharing the grief gives us as a different perspective and helps us to come to terms with our own grief. They also made us do some breathing exercises which were helpful in calming the mind. Reading some of the books also gives us some perspective. I read books like - Journey of Souls, Many lives Many Masters, Life After Life which have helped me in accepting some part of the loss. I am currently reading the Bhagavad Gita which is also very helpful. 

I love going through her blogs and FB page, however during the initial 2 months, I used to end up crying. However now I get emotional, but now sometimes the memories do bring a smile. We were big MCU fans and when I started watching Loki now, it was hard, as I had no one to discuss the various theories and explainer videos. Loki was one of her favorite characters too. Even watching Malayalam movies without her is difficult as she was complete movie buff and would dissect the movie and tell me the things which I would have missed in the movie. 

I know, like she is was the most favorite person for me, I was the same for her. I don’t know if she had any premonition that I will outlive her but her words below (pic and the link) kind of give me solace that we will always be in each other’s hearts.

https://verdantmoss.wordpress.com/2009/07/29/your-valley/